It was Sunday afternoon, May 23rd, in the foul Year of our Lord 2010. Boeing’s hangar at Shanghai’s Pudong International Airport, a once prideful aeronautic construct, reeked with the piquant scent of concealed machetes and modified sub-machine guns. As I scaled the seemingly misplaced miles of red carpet leading up to placid pools of coffee, cookies, and mustachioed corporate executives, I suddenly found myself feeling overwhelmed by the scrutinizing gaze of the American Secret Service. “They’ve read the blog” I mused, sure that if it wasn’t for the fantastic business camouflage I’d donned in preparation for this savage journey to the heart of international politics, these merciless thugs would probably sniff me out and, at the very least, extract a positive contribution to the Shanghai expat community.
Only hours previous, I received an email addressed to one “Mr. Delta” (as evidenced by Example #1), inviting your noble beacon of results-based communication strategies to a speech on President Obama’s National Exports Initiative, to be given by a man named Hillary Rodham Clinton. It appeared that someone, thank God, had been monitoring my “committed” contributions to Actively Embellishing the Truth – an Arkansas-based NGO with representation in both the United States Senate and the West Wing’s women’s bathroom. This little slice of cyberspace, as it were, was an obvious reparation for my years spent diverting public attention away from the nutritional benefits of soy.
Who said dinosaurs were extinct?
Mr. Hillary Rodham Clinton, visiting Shanghai to promote the completely depressing lack of employment and other meaningful opportunities for betterment and wellbeing in America, was scheduled to begin his pandering at 11.30am. At 11.15am, I had taken my seat below the metallic canopy of video cameras; waiting eagerly at what was probably my most significant celebrity sighting since I saw Tony Kukoc play for the Bulls against the Blazers at age 8. Da bulls. At precisely 11.28am, a figure clad in gold business camouflage appeared in the rafters above. Attached to a peasant-operated winch, he was lowered (at what can only be described as a very coital pace) onto the stage to be received by Boeing’s CEO as well as whatever species of dinosaur runs AmCham Shanghai.
“It is,” he began, “probably Asia’s responsibility to raise US export quotas throughout southern states such as Georgia, Texas, and Mexico. We know that somewhere within the vast, uncharted nexus that is the mighty, mighty Book of Revelations, there is likely to be a bylaw entitling us to at least a slice of the profits garnered from the thinly-veiled and wholly unethical economic exploitation of this particular region of Pangaea. So pay up, you fuckers!” Ending upon a rather blistering crescendo of human screeches, middle fingers, and USA! USA! chants, Clinton then evaporated only to reintegrate minutes later in a limo waiting directly outside the hangar air lock – confirming rumors that the US State Department is now able to exploit serious ticks in the Matrix.
I left the Boeing hangar feeling none too enlightened. Unrefined, uncompressed, and erroneous kilobytes in the Matrix like Merkforce Delta just simply aren’t equipped with the right software to make sense out of such political vagaries. His brilliant undertones of Unfuckable Nonsense eluded even the most ardent and vocal supporters of Rising Rates of Inequality and Economic Disparity Bureau of nearly every country, worldwide, which I can assure were all in attendance that day.
In conclusion, I leave you with the following link:
On three say "Bullshit Press Conference!"
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Oh my. Misses Clintons skin is so bad. I guess cheating husband makes you old. She needs a young boyfriend. Success woman in china has lots of boyfriends and our skin is super good!
MFD, would you or would you not sleep with Hil-dawg? Arguably the most powerful woman in the world, imagine the benefits…
Even Bill doesn’t sleep with Hillary, why would anyone else?
Are you kidding? That would be an epic camping story.