Lately I’ve been grappling with something. I don’t know why it just came to me now, but since it has I’ve been thinking about it a lot and see it is a good example of the internal conflict we have as long-term expats in China.
Stephanie Tanner from Full House would not do well in China.
I’d like to think that I was brought up with a strong sense of basic etiquette skills and general good behavior when in the presence of adults. I think I got it more than some kids based on the fact that my mom would make me feel guilty if my friends didn’t say thank you after sleeping over or if they displayed less than perfect table manners. Her insistence on impeccable presence also manifested itself in the constant correction of my grammar…but that’s a whole other story on how my mother made me very awkward and potentially friendless.
I wish I could say it’s the Jewish mother in her. That might actually explain a lot – particularly my attempts to find the perfect Jewish man to father my otherwise cultureless white children. But no, we’re as white as WASPs can be, and you can really only blame the manners thing on my grandmother. My grandmother, whose favorite mantra ‘This is a people’s table, not a horse’s table’, were it to be applied in China, would get lost in the metaphorical (and literal) cacophony of slurps, burps, shouts, elbows, feet, knees, nose blows, spit-outs-of-food-onto-tables, and obscenely loud cell phone conversations. Making sure to carry on her own mother’s legacy, my mom was just watching out for me while my grandma couldn’t.
Not wanting to dwell on a subject that one of you, being my mom, and another of you, being my grandmother, might (and probably do) find incredibly close to home, I will continue with how my upbringing is now playing a major part in my recent realization. Everyday I am confronted with people doing things I was taught not to do. In my mind it’s a constant barrage of: That’s so uncivilized!, How rude!, and Thanks for blowing your cigarette smoke in my face, asshole! But then! I think back to our forefathers and how we killed off (or enslaved) multiple civilizations based on this fact alone, and I have to do the whole ‘they have a different standard of manners’, ‘civilized is a subjective term’, ‘they were closed off to the world for 30 years and were told it was better to act like a peasant’, and ‘they didn’t grow up with my grandmother’ blah blah, etc…
But I grew up with my grandmother (by way of my mother) and I wasn’t closed off to the world for 30 years – so I have that nagging feeling everyday that says things like ‘This is a people’s table, not a horse’s table’ and ‘goddammit, can’t you wait until you’re done chewing to say that?’ But! I’m in their country and should understand they do things differently, BUT I’m still going to notice they’re doing it and it’s going to nag me because IT’S WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME. This is not something I’ve ever identified in myself before – this internal conflict of wanting to hate something, but not being allowed to because my mother ALSO taught me to accept others as they are (goddamn you and you’re conflicting advice, Mom!).
If you haven’t noticed, this post has now started imploding on itself because I can’t call chicken or egg in this case, but I’m hoping some of you can offer advice, or provide a solution from your own experience in China. Normally I try to avoid the people who are going to trigger that tick built into me from a young age, but that’s impossible because China has a gazillion people who all exhibit different standards of etiquette from myself. Perhaps I should lock myself in my room and emerge only when I’ve lost all perspective on fundamental human interaction. A 21st century cultural revolution, if you will.
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Well there are some people who theorize that manners really emerged as good ideas to prevent disease, filth, and other general unpleasantness. Not as ways to establish higher social standing. That part just kind of happened because the people who had manners weren’t dirty, sick, or invading your personal space.
I think what I am going for here is, China sucks, but someday it will get better just like every other civilization. They just have to realize they don’t like dirt on their nice clothes they just bought. Or SARS, bird flu, whooping cough, cholera, or any of the other nasties that seem to be making a comeback over there.
Gotta say–one of my absolute favorite things about being in China definitely was being able to spit and push, stub my cigarettes out on the floors of restaurants and slurp noodles loudly. Abhorrent behavior I’d never do in the West, it turns out, is fun!
That and how boarding and disembarking airplanes, two absolute slices of hell, took five minutes each. Delightful!
Picture of the peeing boy reminds me a joke.
The lifeguard in the swimming pool shouts to a man – “Hey! Don’t pee in the pool”
The man answers: “But everybody does”
Lifeguard: “Yes, but only you do it while standing outside of the pool”
perhaps you should go back home.
if you don’t like it here, what are you doing here??
life’s too short to be wasting in your time in places you don’t enjoy with people you don’t respect.
I mean it in the best possible way. think about it
Hey this is as much as our land as theirs. We share this earth with these nasty fucks too. Im sure she has plenty of respect for these guys, but its kind of strange that their is still a civilization with a overloaded population that still likes to smell other peoples shit, stand over peoples shit, piss and shit on other peoples shit, and on occasions sleep next to their own shit like its a pet dog. China is not the same huge village it used to be and it needs to start getting with the program. The aroma in the air alone is a health hazard alone.
It might be too late for her to go home. She could live in close proximity of live stock and be blocked and quarantined from going home. I love how when I land into Seoul from Beijing they have a wet mat soaked in disinfectants. But when I land in Seoul from LA I don’t even have to declare my health.
The GOV is trying to ease the burden by ramping up public awareness but its starts with the teachers and parents training their kids while they are still young. But who is training the old dogs to train the puppies?
Ween I share your pain. At my company I give hygiene bonuses for the employees who present clean habits and etiquette on a daily basis. Unfortunately only the younger women gets the prizes and its disturbing resistant the rest are.
You can’t just see what it is in a country, you need to understand the history and the REAL situation in a country. There is not a any consequency without a cause. If you look at the China’s population esp. in the big cities like BJ, SH etc. Look at the war, confliction, disasters (naturally and personally), you will see why the people behave like this now. Back to hundreds years ago, when a westerner visits China, they admired Chinese people’s culture and customes. People understands what it is good and what is not. But people don’t just do what they think it is good, a lot of times, people were forced to do something they know it is wrong. It is not just of us, it also happens to you everyday. If you understands this, you will because relaxed with what surrounds you. In whatever countries, you will face the same problem, it is not your surrounding’s problem, it is yourself’s problems. If you do want to do something to make more better things to happen, you need to make some efforts rather than just feeling disturbed by them. But I know, it is hard to do, but whatever, is there anything easier to do if it is really useful? But if you like most people, don’t do anything, that is okay, but just doesn’t need to complain because it will helps nothing…
What you said made no sense at all. I have lost 30 sec reading your load of shit post. Please tell me you were joking around XIN? 100 years ago half the world was shitting out side where they played and walked and work, it was a sanitation standard. But today when we just went thru SARS, and all the swine flu and shit like that should tell China (highly dense populated) country to get its shit together faster.
so you guys should start putting up posts again. i miss my shlaowai
@xin
i wanted to understand your opinion i really tried…your english needs some work.
plus you need to establish your argument around a point.
Old Old Old Old debate. My advice is to do whatever it is you came here to do and take yourself out of as many situations as possible that force you to deal with the vast numbers of ignorant people around you.
if you’re favorite noodle spot is frequented by sallow peasants hawking onto the floor, find another noodle spot.
if you’re commute to X involves breathing Lao Liu’s rancid black tooth smoke breath while he gawks and spits, then, take a cab.
if shit smells bad all around you, move.
I mean, getting a 9-5 in the US or scratching a few bucks together and chillin in thailand is also possible.
you can buy trinkets in thailand, sell them online to crackers int eh US, maybe export a little tea, teach a bit of english, have sex with old men/women for money, rob foolz basically — the world is your oyster and you don’t need to share the oysters with dirt dumplings. bust a move girl!
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